Explore the psychology behind our desire for love and get practical tips for creating strong, fulfilling relationships with effective communication and self-awareness.
Image Credits: Photo by Alex Dos Santos
Have you ever wondered why we all seem to crave love, affection, and companionship? It’s almost like a basic human need—something many of us pursue throughout our lives. Whether you’ve recently started dating or you’re in a long-term relationship, there’s always this desire to feel deeply connected to someone. But have you ever stopped to ask yourself: Why do I want a romantic relationship in the first place? More importantly, how can I build and maintain a healthy relationship once I’ve found it?
As a psychologist, I’ve had the privilege of working with countless individuals and couples who’ve wanted to better understand themselves, their desires, and the dynamics that shape their romantic lives. In this post, I’ll walk you through why we seek relationships, the psychological factors behind those desires, and the skills that will help you find and maintain a fulfilling romantic connection.
Why Do We Want Romantic Relationships?
The desire for romantic love is not just a cultural or personal preference—it’s actually built into our very biology and psychology. Researchers have found that the need for connection is deeply rooted in our evolutionary past. We are social creatures, and forming close relationships was essential for survival. So, the desire for love and affection is quite literally in our DNA.
But let’s break it down a bit:
1. The Need for Connection and Belonging
Humans have a fundamental need to feel connected to others. This is known as the “need for belonging,” a concept studied extensively by psychologists like Roy Baumeister. Feeling loved and supported by a partner provides us with a sense of security and a foundation on which we can thrive. Relationships give us the emotional stability that allows us to face life’s challenges and be our true selves.
2. The Power of Emotional and Physical Intimacy
Romantic relationships often bring both emotional and physical intimacy. Emotionally, we crave deep connections—being understood, cared for, and accepted for who we are. Physically, the touch and closeness we share with someone we love are essential for maintaining our emotional health. Studies have shown that physical affection, like hugging or holding hands, can boost our mood and reduce stress.
3. The Desire for Companionship
Another reason we seek relationships is the deep human desire for companionship. Romantic partners provide us with someone to share our experiences with, whether it’s laughter, adventures, or even the tough moments. Life feels richer and more meaningful when you have someone by your side to go through it with.
Why Do Some People Struggle with Relationships?
While the desire for love is universal, many people struggle to find or maintain healthy romantic relationships. The reason behind this often lies in not fully understanding what we need from a partner or not developing the necessary skills to build a strong relationship.
1. Lack of Self-Awareness
Many of us haven’t taken the time to reflect on why we desire love. Do we want a partner for emotional support? To feel validated? Or are we looking to escape loneliness? Understanding your own motivations is crucial before jumping into a relationship. If you don’t know what you truly want, you might end up in a relationship that doesn’t fulfill you.
2. Unresolved Past Experiences
Your past relationships, childhood experiences, and even the way your parents or caregivers showed love can influence your current relationships. If you’ve had unhealthy attachments in the past, you may bring those same patterns into your adult relationships. For instance, people who experienced neglect as children might struggle with trust in romantic partnerships.
3. Lack of Communication Skills
One of the biggest reasons relationships fail is poor communication. Many people enter relationships without knowing how to effectively express their needs, listen to their partner, or resolve conflicts. These are vital skills that, when practiced, can prevent misunderstandings and strengthen the bond between partners.
Building the Skills for Healthy Relationships
Image Credits: Photo by Eduraw Pro
Now that we’ve explored why we desire relationships and some of the challenges people face, let’s talk about the tools you need to not only find love but also keep it strong and healthy.
1. Know Yourself First
Before seeking out a romantic relationship, take the time to get to know yourself. Understanding who you are, what you need, and what your values are can help you make better choices in a partner. Ask yourself questions like:
- What are my core values?
- What do I want in a partner?
- What do I need emotionally from a relationship?
The more you understand yourself, the better equipped you’ll be to build a relationship that supports your emotional well-being.
2. Understand Attachment Styles
Our attachment style plays a huge role in how we interact in relationships. In the book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, the authors explain how your early experiences with caregivers influence the way you approach love as an adult. There are three main attachment styles:
- Secure Attachment: Comfortable with intimacy and emotional closeness.
- Anxious Attachment: Craves constant reassurance and fears abandonment.
- Avoidant Attachment: Prefers independence and struggles with emotional closeness.
By learning about your attachment style, you can better understand why you act the way you do in relationships and how to work with those tendencies. For example, if you’re anxiously attached, you might need to practice self-soothing techniques rather than relying on your partner for constant reassurance.
3. Cultivate Emotional Intelligence
Emotional intelligence (EQ) is your ability to recognize and manage your own emotions while understanding and responding to the emotions of others. Building your EQ is key to a successful relationship. Here’s how you can work on it:
- Self-awareness: Pay attention to your emotions and understand how they affect your behavior.
- Empathy: Try to understand your partner’s feelings and perspectives.
- Self-regulation: Learn how to manage strong emotions, like anger or jealousy, without letting them control your actions.
A high EQ helps you communicate better, resolve conflicts in a healthy way, and strengthen your bond with your partner.
4. Communication is Key
Open, honest, and respectful communication is one of the cornerstones of a healthy relationship. But it’s not just about talking—it’s about listening, too. Active listening means truly understanding your partner’s feelings without interrupting or jumping to conclusions. Here are a few communication tips:
- Use “I” statements: For example, say, “I feel hurt when…” instead of blaming your partner.
- Be clear about your needs: Don’t expect your partner to read your mind. Express what you need directly.
- Practice active listening: Show that you’re paying attention by nodding, making eye contact, and asking follow-up questions.
5. Set Boundaries
Boundaries are essential in any relationship. They help you maintain a sense of individuality while still being emotionally available to your partner. Setting clear boundaries—like time for yourself, your career, or your family—ensures that you don’t lose yourself in the relationship.
Healthy boundaries also help prevent feelings of resentment or burnout. Be open with your partner about your needs and respect theirs in return.
6. Learn Conflict Resolution
Disagreements are natural in any relationship, but how you handle them is what really matters. Rather than avoiding conflict or escalating it, aim for constructive solutions. Here are some tips:
- Stay calm: Don’t let emotions take over. Take a break if necessary.
- Focus on the issue, not the person: Avoid personal attacks. Discuss the problem, not your partner’s character.
- Find common ground: Aim for a win-win solution where both partners feel heard and valued.
Maintaining a Healthy Relationship Over Time
Building a relationship takes time, but maintaining it requires consistent effort. Remember, relationships need nurturing to stay strong. Here are a few tips for keeping your bond healthy:
- Make time for each other: Life can get busy, but quality time is crucial. Regular date nights, shared hobbies, or simply checking in with each other can help keep the connection alive.
- Express appreciation: Don’t take your partner for granted. Show gratitude for the little things they do.
- Keep growing together: As individuals, we change over time. Growing together means supporting each other through those changes, whether it’s career shifts, personal growth, or family dynamics.
Conclusion: You Have the Tools for Love
Romantic relationships can be a source of joy and fulfillment, but only if we approach them with the right mindset and skills. Understanding why you want a relationship, developing emotional intelligence, and learning communication skills are all essential tools to finding and maintaining love.
Remember, relationships are a journey, not a destination. By building a solid foundation of self-awareness and healthy habits, you’re setting yourself up for a relationship that is not only meaningful but also long-lasting. So, go ahead—take the first step toward building the love life you truly deserve.